Sample Q & A with Dr. Carrie
These Q&A's are only examples of Dr. Carrie's correspondence with some of her clients. The answers given are only abbreviated versions of her actual responses.
Dear Dr. Carrie,
Hi, my name is Rebecca and I’m writing to you because I’m very confused and frustrated in my marriage. I’m 38 years old and I’ve been married for 16 years. My husband and I have a 13 year old daughter together. My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He ended it and he is faithful today but my feelings for him have changed. How do I get my trust back and will I love him the same again?
Dear Rebecca,
Thanks for taking the time to write. I can understand how you would feel frustrated and confused. Betrayal is very powerful on a relationship. Trust is hard to build and even more difficult to rebuild. Once you lose the trust you may not retain it 100%. Can you live with the 90-95%? You must be able to open your heart and let love in and you can’t do this without forgiveness. I think you need to ask yourself what it would take to trust him again. What would that look like? Outline exactly what you would need to see and feel to regain that trust. Time is the main healer and it has been five years which suggests to me that you do still love him as you are still there but I think you need to ask yourself if you truly want to love and trust him the same way again. Five years is a long time to go feeling different about your spouse. That in itself suggests to me that you’re really not sure you want to feel the same as you once did. If that is the case you need to look inside yourself and ask if this is because you’re afraid he will hurt you again or are you just out of love or do you want out of your marriage. The list can go on and on. I know it is a lot of food for thought but maybe its time to really do some thinking. These questions are hard enough to ask ourselves but even harder when children are involved. Please remember that all marriages go through varying degrees of love over the years. The love you experience at 10 years won’t be the same as the 20 year love, nor is the same as the 1 year love but it will be a stronger and more satisfying love. Best of luck!
Dr. Carrie
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Dear Dr. Carrie
I’m writing to you because I’m having serious problems with my wife. Everyday I am off working my butt off to make ends meet. Before the check even comes in my wife has already spent it. My wife is a stay at home mom with our two kids. She is a great mother but she will not stop spending money! I keep having talks with her but nothing changes. I am beyond frustrated. I am starting to really resent her. How can I make her understand just how dire our situation is?
Greg
Dear Greg,
The first thing I want to ask you is... Just how dire is your situation? I think you need to spell it out in specifics. For example, tell you wife that if she continues to spend money this month you won’t be able to make the mortgage payment or pay the telephone bill, or whatever the reality of the situation is. Perhaps she doesn’t really understand the depth of the situation. I think the most important thing to do is sit down and talk to your wife when you can be alone without distractions. This should be a time when you are not angry or fighting. At that time you need to explain the situation openly and honestly. Even more importantly you need to tell your wife how it is affecting you and your feelings for her. Does she know how you are beginning to resent her? This would probably be a good time to tell her what a wonderful mother you think she is. Sometimes it is easier to hear something negative along with a positive. I hope all goes well. Good luck!
Dr. Carrie
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Dear Dr. Carrie,
Hello, my name is Dan and (not my real name) and I’m writing to you in regards to a woman I met. I met her about a year ago at a church function. At the time she was coming off a break-up and said she did not want to get into another relationship because she was still in love with her ex. Since then we have been really good friends. We spend most weekends together. I make myself available to her as much as I can. I help her with work around the house and anything she needs. Over this past year I have really fallen in love with her. The problem is I don’t know if she just wants to be friends. My friends and family seem to think that is all but I’m not sure. I’m just so confused. There are times when I feel that her feelings are very strong and then there are times when I feel the opposite. Maybe I’m just hopeful. What do you think, should I keep holding on? My family says I need to give up. Please help, any advice would be great. Thanks. Dan.
Dear Dan,
Thanks for taking the time to write in. First and foremost, maybe its time you had another conversation with her on her readiness to get into another relationship. I know this can be difficult but that might be the only sure fire way to get a concrete answer. It sounds as though your friends and family are discouraging you from persuing this any further but clearly you want to. I know that must be hard to hear. The good news is, you don’t know. You have spent a significant time together and she isn’t with anyone else.
Here is my suggestion. Talk to her. If you can’t do that then give yourself a reasonable time table that you’re willing to pursue this relationship. Perhaps 3 or 6 months, whatever you are comfortable with. If after that time you are still just friends maybe then you need to begin to travel other avenues to find someone you can date romantically. I wish you the best!
Dr. Carrie
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